Parental Nightmares

scout weekend 3-1

At some point, every parent has that nightmare that one day their toddler will wake up before they do and destroy the house while their still blissfully sleeping.  It happened years ago once with Nathan.  I woke up to him smashing a carton of eggs one by one onto the kitchen floor, giggling as he dropped each one.  Have you ever tried to wipe up a dozen eggs at seven in the morning?   

Today I experienced an awful deja vu.  I had an instant panic attack the moment I woke up to an empty bed and an opened bedroom door.   (The fact that he still sleeps with us is a whole other post.)  Nevertheless, I instantly ran down the stairs knowing good and well it wasn’t going to be a pretty sight.

Sure enough, this is what I saw…
My naked toddler trying to crawl underneath our coffee table, which happened to be covered in water and about one half of the contents from our silverware drawer.  He held a gleaming silver object in his hand which he excitedly asked me, “What’s dis!!?”

Me:  “That’s a nutcracker, baby.” 

I can’t shake off the irony there.  Nude boy holding a pair of nutcrackers.  That’s just funny stuff!

Me:  “Where are your clothes?”

Scout:  “—-rakdhf;hsldkja”  just a bunch of ramble.

Me:  “Alrighty, then.”
I looked around the living room, dining room, and kitchen with no results.  This could only mean one thing—He managed to break through all baby proofing and slip into the bathroom.
I took a deep breath and prepared myself. 

Yep.  There sat his clothes in a pile, dirty diaper in the floor, drawers opened and their contents emptied onto the floor.  And pee pee all over the toilet.

His morning was certainly full adventure!  And my morning was full of cleaning!

The day didn’t get any better, btw.  The babies managed to break into the upstairs bathroom while I was cooking my breakfast.  I found my very expensive—I can only afford once a year—facial powder spilled onto the floor.  Mascara—gone. 

Then I had the splendid idea to take all three kids to Wal-Mart to pick up five things.  “It will be a quick trip!”  I assured myself.

hahahahahaha!  That is the laughter coming from the cosmos. 

I pulled into a jam packed parking lot, and every instinct I have told me to turn around and go home.  But I didn’t listen.  I obviously felt that herding three chickens inside a store during a holiday week was the best idea I had all year.  One hour later, I emerged from the store doors. 

Sigh…

I was done with motherhood by the end of the night.

That Time My Car Door Fell Off

Story of My Life

Linking up with Jenni from Story of My Life (her link and picture above) 

Day 10 prompt is about spilling one of our embarrassing life moments for all to read in cyber land.

And while I have a vault full of funny moments, ranging from body parts, drunken college days, to just being an airhead, I think I am going to tell you about the time my car door fell off.

You read it right.

I was seventeen and driving a real piece at the time.  It was a white stick-shift, two door Cavalier, that had only one working window, and no A/C (big deal if you live in TX).

So.  There I was, resting at a stop sign, ready to pull out onto a highway, when I noticed my door wasn’t shut all the way.  (This is the type of car where the seat belt is attached to the door)  I tried pulling the door handle to open and shut the door…except…when the door opened, it went KURPLUNK onto the street, pulling me along with it!!

I was absolutely, stunned.

It took a minute of me staring down at my door, laying on the ground, to realize this really did just happen.  My car door fell off.  In the street!

After a minute, I pull myself together, wiggle out of my belt, and try to pick up the door that was barely hanging from the support of the seat belt.

Ugh!! The door was so heavy, though.  If you could imagine a 100 pound teenager, red faced, eyes bulging, on the verge of a hernia, trying to left a heavy bleepin’ car door…well it was a sight.

Then…a glimmer of hope came.  As I squatted, giving myself a hernia, someone pulled down the road.  Surely they would stop and help me put my door back on.  So I put on my best, “I’m helpless” face in hopes they would ask if I needed help.

Nope.

The slooooowed down, peering at me with raised eyebrows, like I was a mad woman, and drove off!! Ugh! The nerve!

Eventually, I managed to find one of the “pins” that fell out of the door hinge and place part of the door back together…at least together enough, so that all I had to do was hold it shut while I slowly drove home.
Only thing was…I drove a stick.

There I was, creeping at five mph, holding the door closed with one arm, and the other trying to shift gears while my right knee steered.
It was a scene.  Looking back on it, I don’t blame those people for driving away.

I finally made it home, with my dignity momentarily left behind.

So there it is.  My embarrassing confession.
What is your embarrassing moment?

I Did The Splits…Literally

I just wanted to tell everyone that I did the splits first thing in the morning.

Yep.  At 31 years of age, I did the splits.  

Feeling a bit nostalgic that morning, I slid my battered duck slippers onto my very cold feet.

From there, I cruised through the house, completing my usual routine; brush teeth, pull back hair, begrudgingly walk down the stairs, rubbing my eyes, wishing I was asleep in my warm bed.

Making it downstairs safely, I opened the baby gate, and took one step onto the lament hardwood floor.

This very ordinary motion prompted my slipper to react with my floor as if it were freshly mopped in oil.

Without any time for my morning brain to react properly, my foot slid straight out in front of me without warning.

I was also juuuuust barely out of reach from the table to grab hold of in order to catch my inevitable fall from grace.

Then it happened…

Down she went… my 31 year old-out-of-shape-body.
Landing into the splits, with duck slippers on my feet.

Then I hear, “It’s a TEN!”

Not really.  But it would have been funny if someone did shout that.  

What lesson did I learn?

I now understand the importance of stretching.  I also now know that you can skip caffeine because doing the splits will make you feel wide awake!

Ouch.  Now excuse me while I go stretch.

Oh…and just in case you were wondering,  I no longer own those slippers.

Bubba 0 | Karma 1 | The Blair Witch In Texas

My husband’s high school friend, Terry, came to visit last week, and while I don’t often write about my husband, (the one pictured to the right is my husband, Bubba) I feel I have to retell a story they shared with me, that had me laughing until my face turned red.

In fact, I think this story deserves to be told.  It’s not doing any good wasting away in their heads.  Haha.

I hope it at least puts a smile on your face!   


The Blair Witch In Texas

Bubba, Terry, and Josh were the ripe age of sixteen when they decided to camp on a piece of land owned by Josh’s mom’s boyfriend.  Their plan was to stay one week, but on the third day boredom struck.

While Terry and Josh left to try their hand at fishing, Bubba decides the only way to beat the boredom was by mentally scaring his two buddies.

Wasting no time putting thoughts into action, Bubba marched to the back of the campsite where he stacked sticks and rocks behind a hill in different shapes.  Stepping back to admire his handy work, he decided to take it a little further; he grabbed a stick and etched the words, DIE and I’m going to get you in the mud.

While in the middle of his brilliant scheme, Josh busted him.
Josh: “What are you doing!?”
Bubba: “Uhhh…I was trying to scare y’all.”

A short pause.

Josh flashes a crooked smile, looks at Bubba and says, “Let’s get Terry.” 

You didn’t have to tell Bubba twice.  Together, they kept stacking rocks and sticks into shapes.

Proud of themselves, they headed back to camp.  About one hour later, Terry joins them at the tent where they begin to tell him stories about bums that would be caught around there doing strange things in the woods.

Terry took what they said lightly until they took him for a walk at dusk around the woods while continuing to fill his head with more elaborate stories of the witches and the crazy homeless that stalked the woods at night.

Armed with flashlights, they stumbled across random items left by someone else in the woods providing “evidence” that their bum stories were indeed, real.

By now, Terry began buying into their elaborate story.

When it was completely dark, they took Terry around to the spot where they had laid the sticks and rocks out.  Bubba made a big scene, pretending to be scared.

Bubba: “What is all of this stuff!?”

Terry ran up behind him, shined his light on it,  and completely freaked out!  He turned around and ran back to camp as fast as he could.

Bubba and Josh were clearly bemused with themselves.

Back at the campsite, they kept up their charades 

Terry being completely freaked out, pops firecrackers (to keep the bums away) and maintains a huge fire throughout the night.

The next morning, Bubba and Josh awakened to ALL their bags and coolers piled in front of the tent.  They looked over to sleeping Terry, white knuckling his army knife. 

This is when Bubba and Josh loose it, and start laughing and making fun of Terry.  Of course, this made Terry a little butt hurt so he grabbed his gear and packed it away in his car.
They tell him to stay and that it was them all along.

In the end, Terry stayed.

Later that night, they were all inside the tent making shadow puppets after a long war with bottle rockets. (Shooting fireworks at one another)
All of a sudden they hear a loud thud on the tent.

They didn’t think to much about it until they heard something rustling around the tent.

By now, all three boys are shaking, freaking out, “Did you just hear that?”

A large shadow passes in front of the tent.  Now they started to get a little worried and panic ensues.  Someone runs up and starts shaking the tent, violently.  Everyone in the tent storms out, screaming, ready to make a getaway…only to find it was Josh’s mom and cousin messing with them! A storm was approaching and they came to give them a heads up.

Bubba: 0 | Karma: 1